Sunday, 11 Dec 2011, 4PM APAC time, 9.00AM CET
Location: Waalre, Netherlands
I will not forget this date. I lost the most important person in my life. The reason of my being. The core of my existence. My beloved mother passed away in her sleep. In 11 days from today, she will be 61 years old. Every year, we shared the date together. I got married on the same date as my mother's birthday. It was always double celebration in our family for the past 10 years. Always...
She was the reason that my husband and I were married with less hassle. She stood rock behind my decision and supported me all the way. We chose her birthday as our wedding day, to show her how much she meant to us. How her support and love united us as husband and wife. Unlike any other mothers, she sent me to the airport 2 weeks after my wedding with a big smile and encouragement. Her cry was tears of joy. With her blessed, I left Malaysia to be with my husband in Perth.
She dragged my dad to be with me when I delivered my son 2 years later. Together with my beloved father, she stayed and looked after me during my confinement. I knew, the visit to Perth that year turned around the general feelings of my families on my marriage. The acceptance and the warmth welcome were felt when we returned to Malaysia the following year for vacation. Things have been better even since. I also knew she was behind the positive changes.
Deep in my heart, I knew there were risks associated when one live abroad, far away from immediate families. As in my case, I live in the edge, always fear the unthinkable may happen. If anything happen to my parents, I may not be able to see them, see their body for the last time before they disappear forever from my sight. In Islam, the body must be buried soonest possible.
I returned home with my family to Malaysia in 2007. I always prayed to Allah to give me the opportunity to serve them as a symbol of appreciation on their loves and sacrifices to me. I had the opportunities to look after my parents in 2009 when my mum met with a road accident. I felt satisfied that I'd given my best as a daughter, having the opportunity to serve her. I washed her, showered her, cleaned her up, fed her. During this period, I also witnessed the strong love and the the strong bond between my parents. Despite their constant jabbing towards each other, I realised their feelings deeper than love and respect to each other. Any other man would have complained. But my dad was one of a kind. You need to see to believe. He devoted his time and life looking after my mum. I wish my husband will have half of his devotion....
She recovered from the injury from the accident, but never on her 100% best.
Mum did not have good health for the past years. She was first diagnosed with diabetic in her late 30s, after giving birth to my youngest brother. She had been following her medication regime properly ever since.
Her health was deteriorating and worsen this year. Looking back, there were a lot of things that in my mum's wish list were fulfilled before she was taken forever from us.
When she was admitted in Jul 2011 to ICU, everybody thought her time had come. I flew back, spent 11 days with her in hospital. She recovered remarkably, and the doctor said her fighting spirit was high. On the last day before I left, she said one thing.
I want to see your youngest brother to get marry, and I don't think I will live through Mar 2012. I want them to expedite their wedding.
There and then we, as a family, decided to fulfill mum's wish. We re-planned the wedding and brought it forward from March 2012 to Nov 19, 2011. At the airport on 31 Jul 2011, I told my mum that if the wedding proceeded as plan, I may not be able to attend it since there was no budget allocation to return home on short notice.
My second brother remembered a remark she made before Eid Adha this year (late Oct 2011), "I prayed that Allah give me the opportunity to see through your brother's wedding. And I wish your sister can come back to be with us during the wedding".
God is kind to her. He opened the path to make her wish come true. After deliberating on my decision to stay longer in Netherlands for almost 3 months, in early Nov 2011 I decided to decline the extension of my contract. With this decision, automatically I have one entitlement to return home on full coverage from my company. Hence, within 2 weeks I gave my confirmation to my family that I will be home for the wedding.
According to my siblings, my mum was ecstatic. She was so happy with the news. One of her wish came through.
I reached my hometown on the wedding day, 19 Nov 2011. When I reached home, I saw how drastically my mum's physical had changed. She lost nearly 40kgs since I last saw her in Jul 2011. She was always known as a woman with flesh, always plump, but early this year her weight increased was drastic. Before she felt sick in Jul, she was at her highest weight of 112kgs. My heart skipped a bit when I saw her that day. She looked so skinny. Never saw her in this condition before. Somehow I knew, she won't be too long with us.
At the wedding, mum hardly able to participate in the ceremony. She could barely walk and her constant headache and lack of appetite worsen her condition.
For the first time since I got married, I was able to spend 7 solid days with her and my dad during my vacation. We talked, and talked and talked. About everything and nothing. The last few nights when I was in Malaysia, I slept with her on her bed. A 40 years old daughter slept in the same bed with her mother. My husband teased me mercilessly on it. I never thought it was my last. I kept telling myself, if I return I promise I will do this more frequent. Honest to God, my recent vacation to Malaysia was the most fulfilled one. To think again, how adamant I was to go back during this period. Amidst the busy schedule and the many things we have to prepare before returning home, I insisted to make this trip. I am glad I did it. I am glad I made it.
Exactly one week ago, on 3rd Dec 2011, I left my mum at the airport. At first I told her not to bother to send me to the airport due to her weak condition. She didn't want to hear otherwise. On her wheelchair she came to bid me farewell at the airport. I gave her my big hugs, told her to look after herself because I am coming back end of Jan 2012.
I called home yesterday, Saturday, 10 Dec 2011. I wanted to talk to her. She was not home. She went to Shah Alam with my siblings. They organised family gatherings at a Water Park. I told myself I will call her tomorrow (Sunday, 11 Dec).
My sister said for the first time since months, she showed good appetite to eat. No one bother to remind her to control her food intake due to her diabetes. Everybody was relieved to see she had her appetite to eat again.
So, this morning, I was thinking to call her, but postponing it. There were too many things to do with the house. Washing, cleaning, cooking. My company's Blackberry was on charger upstairs. Normally I charged it downstair, but for a reason I don't understand, I left it charged and forgot to bring my phone downstairs. Apparently, my father and my siblings had been trying to reach me since 9.30AM CET. I only remembered about the phone while I was cooking - at about 12noon CET. Before I went up stairs to pick it up, I checked my facebook and saw my sister inlaw urgent message - to call home immediately. I immediately dialed using Skype. But the sound quality was bad, I could hardly hear anything. So, I told my dad I will call him back, and rushed upstairs to pick up my phone. I saw 19 missed calls, 10 SMS messages. My family has been trying to reach me for the past 2.5 hours. The bad news was delivered. I could barely stand. I could barely breath. I can't think any coherent way. My world spun. My husband was next to me all the time. Hold me and calm me down. I am on tears ever since. I can't stop crying.
Ya Allah, what a huge test is this.
Apparently my mum went for a funeral this morning. A family member of ours who has been hospitalised for the past few months just passed away. She went there with my dad and her older sister. On the way back home after dropping off her sister, my dad said she complained of her terrible headache. She vomited when they were near home. She didn't eat anything since morning. When they reached home at 2.30PM APAC (7.30AM CET), my dad made her a glass of Milo and asked her to lay down and have a rest. At 4.00PM APAC (9.00AM CET), my sister returned home. My dad asked her to wake my mum up to have her Zohor prayer. She did not wake up. Her body was still warm when the ambulance came. She left us in peace. She had such a serene smile on her face. She met her Maker, she saw Him in heaven. My mum was the most beautiful person you have even known. She touched every person who has the privilege of passing her path warmthly.
Even though my worst nightmare is happening, I am not able to be there until the end, not able to give her last bath, not able to kiss her cheek, not able to kiss her forehead, not able to give her last hugs, not able to see her for the last time, I thanks Allah for giving me the opportunity to spent my time with her 2 weeks ago. I thanks Allah for taking her in gentle way, that she did not suffer. I thanks Allah for giving me such a wonderful mother, who mold me to be who I am today. I pray to Allah that she will be with Him in Heaven. I promise myself that I will give her Al-Fatihah every day, in every prayers.
I love you mum. I miss you already. I know only time will heal this wound. I always love you, forever.
Al-Fatihah to Allahyarhamah Siti Esah binti Buyong. Amin.
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