Meltdown...again

Ya Allah... how much more difficult could this be.

I thought emotionally I am more stable.  Since Wednesday, 14 Dec,  I felt that I am gaining the strength, to go through the norm. I thought I am starting to move towards it positively.  Today, a simple statement drove me to the edge easily.  I knew it was a bit ambitious for me to think I am ready.  My dear colleagues and friends advice that I take more days off.  Against their wise advice, I stubbornly turned up to the office.

I just realized I am detaching myself from reality.  It became so surreal that I've yet to comprehend fully what I have lost.  Being this far away from home, the full extend of my mum's passing away have yet to settle properly in my brain.  Amazingly, I can hold conversation about her with my colleagues as though it was happening to someone else. Not one shed of tears, no big lump in my chest.  It went well for 2 days.

Then today, my darling husband just mentioned a small remark - what to do next week on our anniversary.  No immediate reaction.  Then suddenly the thought came - of not having the chance to pick up the phone and wish my mum happy birthday, having both of us exchanging greetings and well wishes with each other.  Me - wishing her many happiness, and her - congratulating me for 'surviving' another year of marriage with many happy days to come.

Sudden realization this pleasure that I took for granted won't happen, ever again.  I will not be able to hear her voice anymore. My regular calls to her, where most of the time my husband teased me - I was nodding and humming my 'yes' and 'no' throughout the conversation - which at least took minimum 30 mins once every 2 weeks, if not every week.   To the observers, it was a very obvious conclusion - I was the listener, my mum was the narrator.  I won't be able to hear her chatting away the events happening since I last called her.

I went into emotional turmoil again.  I can't describe the feeling.  I guess only those who have gone through the experience can share and empathize. I got a feeling that I will go through this grieve - the real one, when I go home for good at the end of Jan 2012.  I think then only the actual mourning will flow in, when I am surrounded by the places my mum used to be, when I am eating the food my mum used to love, when every corner, every words, every events remind me of her.  That's when I think my grieve will unfold to full force.

Now, today, I feel like I am still in a dream.  Her death is not real yet to me.  I keep looking at the calendar, thinking 22 Dec will be the day.  I was planning to send some money to my brother, and ask him to buy her birthday gift.  I start to wonder how would I feel next year, the year I plan to celebrate Eid Fitri and Ramadhan with my parents.
How would it feel on the first day of Eid Fitri without her.  Not able to kiss her hands and ask for forgiveness.
How would it feel when I go back to my hometown, be there the first time since she's gone. To be in her room, to touch her clothes, to smell her, seeing her in the favorite spot on her bed, remembering the last time I was there, chatting away until 2-3am in the morning.  I was having jat-leg, and only stopped when I heard her soft snore.
How would that be, to face my father, who must have suffered the most, her partner of 41 years.
How would it be, to face my sister, who has done a wonderful job looking after my mum for the past 4 years.
How would it be when my sister hands over my mum's stuff, the stuff she wanted me to have as part of her will.
How would I face all that?   All of my siblings have gone through that process. Mine is postponed by 7 weeks.  1 week has passed, so 6 weeks from now, I will experience this and I am not looking forward to it.
How do I react when the time come to visit her grave?
What should I do?  How will I react?

I pray that I have the strength to go through this moment.  To let this 6 weeks to pass.  To start preparing the reality in 6 weeks to come.  I know my husband will be on my side. I know my dad will be there with me.  I know my siblings will hold my hands.  I know all of my beloved ones will be there to support me.  I know that.  But how would I cope with all of that?

Ya Allah, please give me strength, iron will and determination to get this through.

Mum, I love you, I miss you, I want you to be there for me.  I'm not ready to be without you. I've yet to learn the secrets, the DOs and the DONTs of motherhood from you.  You are my idol, you are my mentor. I want to be exactly like you mum.
I know you are always with me, always.. all the time.  I hope you receive my prayers for you so far. I hope you are smiling down on me and always give me your blessing for the remaining days of my natural life.
You are always part of me....