Have been quite a while since I last wrote. The absence not due to the lack of time, rather due to lack of idea. Looking back, it has been a roller coaster ride since Sept.
Major decision made in early Nov 2011. My family and I are returning to Malaysia at the end of Jan 2012. It was no way an easy decision. The strength of the pull to stay longer in Netherlands and going back to Malaysia were on equal par.
Career vs Personal.
Staying in Netherlands means better opportunity from career perspective. Being a woman in male dominated world does have it's own added advantage. Doors are opened with gentle knocking, without the need to shake the frame off. Being a woman in European circle increase the chances of moving up further the ladder. Amazing opportunities, they are everywhere, in abundance.
Being in this part of the world also mean we are too far away from our families. Both of our parents are aging. My mum's are not in her best state of health. My father's in law is in the same league. Both my husband and I have close knit families, and from our regular weekly calls back home - Australia and Malaysia respectively, we both knew the time has come for us to return.
At the end of the day, priority was made. What came up the top was the clear winner, determining the path on decision making process. For my case, family come first. After taking consideration from all angles, we decided to go back to Malaysia.
I am aware what I've given up, but I am also very sure, I will not regret taking this decision. I am not willing living in regret in later life.
I remembered having the same dilemma when I first decided to start working when my son was only 8 months old.
I made the decision to work, hence it is only logical that I am not able to carry out my motherly duties perfectly. That's my choice. No one point any weapon on my head when I made this decision. So, I keep telling myself that it is OK to feel guilty, hence shows that I still have the maternal instinct (read: I try to coax myself).
Eight years on, the guilt never cease, infact is keeps growing each day. I keep comparing myself with the other mothers. Specially every time I receive assessment report on my son. He is not a performer in his class. Hell, no he is not. He is not stupid either. As a mother would have said about their kids, so I will say the same mantra. No, my son is not an idiot. But he is not a superstar in his class either. This is the moment when I ask myself, if I spend more time at home with him, will he improve? Will he be a better student? Will I ever regret this decision of mine at a later stage of my life. Sigh... I have no answer, but worry engulf me every seconds and every minutes, every day!
I do sometime wonder, if I were a man, would I make a different decision? Oh, I do sometime envy man. I would like to know if fathers feel the guilt when they are not able to attend Wednesday morning coffee and cake sales in school. Do they cringe from the questions popping from the small mouth like "why you cannot pick me up everyday from school like other father?". Even my nice elderly neighbour once asked me innocently "how can you work full time when you still have a child at school age". Hmm.. I don't know! I have no answer. Perhaps in Malaysia it is not an uncommon sight to have both parents working full time. I know I am giving a lame excuses. But a good excuse nevertheless? How come no one ask that question to a man?
I feel inadequate because I am not able to post those super finger linking good dishes where most wonderful chef cum cook cum mothers always do in the Facebook. I feel bad because the house is not super clean, spotless and laundry is not done to perfection! If a man in my shoes, will they feel small little tug of guilt looking at our unkept garden and backyard among the wonderful and beautiful garden of the neighbours in our street. Heck... I don't even understand why I do.
Year 2012 is just around the corner. I made a few resolutions.
We will begin our new year back home - in Malaysia. I do look forward to this trip. Back to where families and friends are. Back to where I could get support and backup when needed without hesitation. Back to where everything is familiar. Back to where normality is a norm, or perhaps boredom as part of that normality. But decision has been made and it is definitely a correct one. I just know it! (Try to convince myself here).
Many said I throw way away opportunities and chances that may not come again in the next life. Hey, when we first came here to Europe, we planned to visit all major cities in Europe within the 24 months. We have beautiful plan laid out on paper. 22 months passed and gone, majority of the to-do-list remain unticked. The fact is, it was an extremely expensive plan. So, not all can be executed. Will we regret this decision to go back before releasing the dream? Maybe.. but I will not smack any heads because of it. We will acknowledge it, and move on.
We will miss many friends we made while we are here. Wonderful colleagues who also turn out to be great friends. We will miss all of you. But one positive thing is that, when you come by down under, you know you have a friend house you can rock in. We will be there for you, happy to have our great friends as visitors.
Back to Malaysia, we will face many more decisions that will determine our future plan. Some have already been drafted, some may need to be lay out on the table so picture can be scatched, color can be added, and final result can be presented. That will come, but for now we take it one step at a time.
1 month and 3 weeks. The count down has begun. The house doesn't look like a liveable one! Boxes and boxes - they are everywhere. Christmas will be a white one. Decision we made earlier on to stay in Netherlands so we can experience the White Christmas. An experience we may never live through again in our future life. We knew it will be a quiet Christmas - because the essential ingredients are missing: Families and Friends. But we will go through it. Tomorrow the Christmas tree will be pulled out from the garage. First step of creating the celebration atmostphere. We will have Christmas amidst the boxes inside the house, and hoping to have white snow outside.
Decisions were made, now to live with it, and living through it.
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