Assalamualaikum Mum,
How are you there Mum? I hope that you are living in a big beautiful house, surrounded by beautiful nice garden, and you are happy there. Deep down in my heart, I know you are.
I am doing well here. I miss you so much mum. I've been dreaming about you many many times for the past weeks. Some say if the dream came with full of conversation and animations, then it is only the brain doing the tricks. I don't know mum, whatever it meant, I was happy to see you, regardless.
The first time I dreamt of you, I came and visited you, in your new house. You were full of smiles, invited me in. I was angry at you because you didn't come home. I thought you were dead, but instead you were living happily in that house that I've never known of. You were so happy that my anger against you dissolved as quick as it came. I had this strange feelings in my heart, maybe indeed it was a nightmare and everything will go back to norm once I woke up. Of course it was my wishful thinking.
In my second dream mum, I saw you sitting in our house's dining table. You were smiling at me, eating and keep saying that the food was so delicious. You looked so radiant. I was upset when you decided to leave, and found myself crying, begging you not to go. I woke up with tears in my eyes.
Yesterday Sam & I completed our packing. I told you before I am coming back to Malaysia at end of Jan 2012 right? We've done it, the house is almost empty. Still messy inside, but the main bulk of the works were done.
I am going home mum, in less than 3 weeks I will be home.
Soon I am able to come over and visit you. It has been 4 weeks now since you were gone. I miss you terribly. I hope you miss me too mum.
Dad is not doing very well without you mum. He is a broken man, he misses you so much, your presence were sorely missed. Remember mum how every morning when Dad's woke you up for solat? How both of you always teased each other. Dad with his awful song, and you shouted at him to shut-up because it was so out of tune? Since you left, dad is very emotional. He no longer sings mum. Anis said she hardly hear Dad's voice. He even refuses to sleep in the same bed, in the your room. Your strong and loving husband is left with no will to live mum. We are so worried about him. People say that is the natural stage of grieving. I hope they are right. Anis is looking after Dad properly. I know you are worried mum, but rest assured that we tried our level best to take care of him. We promised you that we will look after Dad. We also make sure that he takes his daily medication properly and accordingly. He is still the stubborn and a proud man you know. He hates it when we turn our attention on him now. He literally told us to leave him alone. Well of course we don't listen to him, as you know naturally.
Every weekend now Aa, Nullah, Emi & Adik also return home to check on him. Don't you worry about that. You have raised 6 great kids and you should be proud of your work. You and dad.
You know how Dad turns to be the caretaker of the house since he retired 11 years ago. He picks up dirty linens from all the rooms, washes and hang them on the lines. The other day Anis said he broke down when he saw your clothes. Not sure how that came about, but I guess maybe one of the clothes you forgot to put in the basket for washing.
I told Anis not to wash the dress, as I want to smell you when I return home. I miss you mum, I miss you a lot. I want to inhale into your body smell from the last clothes you wore. I want to bury my face into it. Imagining you wrapped your arms around me.
If Dad's emotion is not getting better, I plan to bring him to live with me. I know it will be a hard battle to convince him. Maybe then I will ask for your intervention. Give him some sort of sign that you support me perhaps?
Last night I was so emotional mum. I wanted to pick the phone and tell you the progress of my preparation returning home. Did I tell you that Sam bought you nice reclining chairs? One for you and one for dad. He said you can put your legs up when you come and visit us. Well, the chairs will be there, I will put them at that special spot.
16 days to go. You won't be waiting for me at the airport, I know that mum. But I will visit you soonest possible. You take care, won't you? I love you. I miss you.
Your loving daughter,
Linda
Monday, January 9, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
Meltdown...again
Ya Allah... how much more difficult could this be.
I thought emotionally I am more stable. Since Wednesday, 14 Dec, I felt that I am gaining the strength, to go through the norm. I thought I am starting to move towards it positively. Today, a simple statement drove me to the edge easily. I knew it was a bit ambitious for me to think I am ready. My dear colleagues and friends advice that I take more days off. Against their wise advice, I stubbornly turned up to the office.
I just realized I am detaching myself from reality. It became so surreal that I've yet to comprehend fully what I have lost. Being this far away from home, the full extend of my mum's passing away have yet to settle properly in my brain. Amazingly, I can hold conversation about her with my colleagues as though it was happening to someone else. Not one shed of tears, no big lump in my chest. It went well for 2 days.
Then today, my darling husband just mentioned a small remark - what to do next week on our anniversary. No immediate reaction. Then suddenly the thought came - of not having the chance to pick up the phone and wish my mum happy birthday, having both of us exchanging greetings and well wishes with each other. Me - wishing her many happiness, and her - congratulating me for 'surviving' another year of marriage with many happy days to come.
Sudden realization this pleasure that I took for granted won't happen, ever again. I will not be able to hear her voice anymore. My regular calls to her, where most of the time my husband teased me - I was nodding and humming my 'yes' and 'no' throughout the conversation - which at least took minimum 30 mins once every 2 weeks, if not every week. To the observers, it was a very obvious conclusion - I was the listener, my mum was the narrator. I won't be able to hear her chatting away the events happening since I last called her.
I went into emotional turmoil again. I can't describe the feeling. I guess only those who have gone through the experience can share and empathize. I got a feeling that I will go through this grieve - the real one, when I go home for good at the end of Jan 2012. I think then only the actual mourning will flow in, when I am surrounded by the places my mum used to be, when I am eating the food my mum used to love, when every corner, every words, every events remind me of her. That's when I think my grieve will unfold to full force.
Now, today, I feel like I am still in a dream. Her death is not real yet to me. I keep looking at the calendar, thinking 22 Dec will be the day. I was planning to send some money to my brother, and ask him to buy her birthday gift. I start to wonder how would I feel next year, the year I plan to celebrate Eid Fitri and Ramadhan with my parents.
How would it feel on the first day of Eid Fitri without her. Not able to kiss her hands and ask for forgiveness.
How would it feel when I go back to my hometown, be there the first time since she's gone. To be in her room, to touch her clothes, to smell her, seeing her in the favorite spot on her bed, remembering the last time I was there, chatting away until 2-3am in the morning. I was having jat-leg, and only stopped when I heard her soft snore.
How would that be, to face my father, who must have suffered the most, her partner of 41 years.
How would it be, to face my sister, who has done a wonderful job looking after my mum for the past 4 years.
How would it be when my sister hands over my mum's stuff, the stuff she wanted me to have as part of her will.
How would I face all that? All of my siblings have gone through that process. Mine is postponed by 7 weeks. 1 week has passed, so 6 weeks from now, I will experience this and I am not looking forward to it.
How do I react when the time come to visit her grave?
What should I do? How will I react?
I pray that I have the strength to go through this moment. To let this 6 weeks to pass. To start preparing the reality in 6 weeks to come. I know my husband will be on my side. I know my dad will be there with me. I know my siblings will hold my hands. I know all of my beloved ones will be there to support me. I know that. But how would I cope with all of that?
Ya Allah, please give me strength, iron will and determination to get this through.
Mum, I love you, I miss you, I want you to be there for me. I'm not ready to be without you. I've yet to learn the secrets, the DOs and the DONTs of motherhood from you. You are my idol, you are my mentor. I want to be exactly like you mum.
I know you are always with me, always.. all the time. I hope you receive my prayers for you so far. I hope you are smiling down on me and always give me your blessing for the remaining days of my natural life.
You are always part of me....
I thought emotionally I am more stable. Since Wednesday, 14 Dec, I felt that I am gaining the strength, to go through the norm. I thought I am starting to move towards it positively. Today, a simple statement drove me to the edge easily. I knew it was a bit ambitious for me to think I am ready. My dear colleagues and friends advice that I take more days off. Against their wise advice, I stubbornly turned up to the office.
I just realized I am detaching myself from reality. It became so surreal that I've yet to comprehend fully what I have lost. Being this far away from home, the full extend of my mum's passing away have yet to settle properly in my brain. Amazingly, I can hold conversation about her with my colleagues as though it was happening to someone else. Not one shed of tears, no big lump in my chest. It went well for 2 days.
Then today, my darling husband just mentioned a small remark - what to do next week on our anniversary. No immediate reaction. Then suddenly the thought came - of not having the chance to pick up the phone and wish my mum happy birthday, having both of us exchanging greetings and well wishes with each other. Me - wishing her many happiness, and her - congratulating me for 'surviving' another year of marriage with many happy days to come.
Sudden realization this pleasure that I took for granted won't happen, ever again. I will not be able to hear her voice anymore. My regular calls to her, where most of the time my husband teased me - I was nodding and humming my 'yes' and 'no' throughout the conversation - which at least took minimum 30 mins once every 2 weeks, if not every week. To the observers, it was a very obvious conclusion - I was the listener, my mum was the narrator. I won't be able to hear her chatting away the events happening since I last called her.
I went into emotional turmoil again. I can't describe the feeling. I guess only those who have gone through the experience can share and empathize. I got a feeling that I will go through this grieve - the real one, when I go home for good at the end of Jan 2012. I think then only the actual mourning will flow in, when I am surrounded by the places my mum used to be, when I am eating the food my mum used to love, when every corner, every words, every events remind me of her. That's when I think my grieve will unfold to full force.
Now, today, I feel like I am still in a dream. Her death is not real yet to me. I keep looking at the calendar, thinking 22 Dec will be the day. I was planning to send some money to my brother, and ask him to buy her birthday gift. I start to wonder how would I feel next year, the year I plan to celebrate Eid Fitri and Ramadhan with my parents.
How would it feel on the first day of Eid Fitri without her. Not able to kiss her hands and ask for forgiveness.
How would it feel when I go back to my hometown, be there the first time since she's gone. To be in her room, to touch her clothes, to smell her, seeing her in the favorite spot on her bed, remembering the last time I was there, chatting away until 2-3am in the morning. I was having jat-leg, and only stopped when I heard her soft snore.
How would that be, to face my father, who must have suffered the most, her partner of 41 years.
How would it be, to face my sister, who has done a wonderful job looking after my mum for the past 4 years.
How would it be when my sister hands over my mum's stuff, the stuff she wanted me to have as part of her will.
How would I face all that? All of my siblings have gone through that process. Mine is postponed by 7 weeks. 1 week has passed, so 6 weeks from now, I will experience this and I am not looking forward to it.
How do I react when the time come to visit her grave?
What should I do? How will I react?
I pray that I have the strength to go through this moment. To let this 6 weeks to pass. To start preparing the reality in 6 weeks to come. I know my husband will be on my side. I know my dad will be there with me. I know my siblings will hold my hands. I know all of my beloved ones will be there to support me. I know that. But how would I cope with all of that?
Ya Allah, please give me strength, iron will and determination to get this through.
Mum, I love you, I miss you, I want you to be there for me. I'm not ready to be without you. I've yet to learn the secrets, the DOs and the DONTs of motherhood from you. You are my idol, you are my mentor. I want to be exactly like you mum.
I know you are always with me, always.. all the time. I hope you receive my prayers for you so far. I hope you are smiling down on me and always give me your blessing for the remaining days of my natural life.
You are always part of me....
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