Friday, December 16, 2011

Meltdown...again

Ya Allah... how much more difficult could this be.

I thought emotionally I am more stable.  Since Wednesday, 14 Dec,  I felt that I am gaining the strength, to go through the norm. I thought I am starting to move towards it positively.  Today, a simple statement drove me to the edge easily.  I knew it was a bit ambitious for me to think I am ready.  My dear colleagues and friends advice that I take more days off.  Against their wise advice, I stubbornly turned up to the office.

I just realized I am detaching myself from reality.  It became so surreal that I've yet to comprehend fully what I have lost.  Being this far away from home, the full extend of my mum's passing away have yet to settle properly in my brain.  Amazingly, I can hold conversation about her with my colleagues as though it was happening to someone else. Not one shed of tears, no big lump in my chest.  It went well for 2 days.

Then today, my darling husband just mentioned a small remark - what to do next week on our anniversary.  No immediate reaction.  Then suddenly the thought came - of not having the chance to pick up the phone and wish my mum happy birthday, having both of us exchanging greetings and well wishes with each other.  Me - wishing her many happiness, and her - congratulating me for 'surviving' another year of marriage with many happy days to come.

Sudden realization this pleasure that I took for granted won't happen, ever again.  I will not be able to hear her voice anymore. My regular calls to her, where most of the time my husband teased me - I was nodding and humming my 'yes' and 'no' throughout the conversation - which at least took minimum 30 mins once every 2 weeks, if not every week.   To the observers, it was a very obvious conclusion - I was the listener, my mum was the narrator.  I won't be able to hear her chatting away the events happening since I last called her.

I went into emotional turmoil again.  I can't describe the feeling.  I guess only those who have gone through the experience can share and empathize. I got a feeling that I will go through this grieve - the real one, when I go home for good at the end of Jan 2012.  I think then only the actual mourning will flow in, when I am surrounded by the places my mum used to be, when I am eating the food my mum used to love, when every corner, every words, every events remind me of her.  That's when I think my grieve will unfold to full force.

Now, today, I feel like I am still in a dream.  Her death is not real yet to me.  I keep looking at the calendar, thinking 22 Dec will be the day.  I was planning to send some money to my brother, and ask him to buy her birthday gift.  I start to wonder how would I feel next year, the year I plan to celebrate Eid Fitri and Ramadhan with my parents.
How would it feel on the first day of Eid Fitri without her.  Not able to kiss her hands and ask for forgiveness.
How would it feel when I go back to my hometown, be there the first time since she's gone. To be in her room, to touch her clothes, to smell her, seeing her in the favorite spot on her bed, remembering the last time I was there, chatting away until 2-3am in the morning.  I was having jat-leg, and only stopped when I heard her soft snore.
How would that be, to face my father, who must have suffered the most, her partner of 41 years.
How would it be, to face my sister, who has done a wonderful job looking after my mum for the past 4 years.
How would it be when my sister hands over my mum's stuff, the stuff she wanted me to have as part of her will.
How would I face all that?   All of my siblings have gone through that process. Mine is postponed by 7 weeks.  1 week has passed, so 6 weeks from now, I will experience this and I am not looking forward to it.
How do I react when the time come to visit her grave?
What should I do?  How will I react?

I pray that I have the strength to go through this moment.  To let this 6 weeks to pass.  To start preparing the reality in 6 weeks to come.  I know my husband will be on my side. I know my dad will be there with me.  I know my siblings will hold my hands.  I know all of my beloved ones will be there to support me.  I know that.  But how would I cope with all of that?

Ya Allah, please give me strength, iron will and determination to get this through.

Mum, I love you, I miss you, I want you to be there for me.  I'm not ready to be without you. I've yet to learn the secrets, the DOs and the DONTs of motherhood from you.  You are my idol, you are my mentor. I want to be exactly like you mum.
I know you are always with me, always.. all the time.  I hope you receive my prayers for you so far. I hope you are smiling down on me and always give me your blessing for the remaining days of my natural life.
You are always part of me....

Sunday, December 11, 2011

My Pillar, My Strength, My Identity

Sunday, 11 Dec 2011, 4PM APAC time, 9.00AM CET
Location: Waalre, Netherlands

I will not forget this date.  I lost the most important person in my life.  The reason of my being.  The core of my existence. My beloved mother passed away in her sleep.  In 11 days from today, she will be 61 years old. Every year, we shared the date together.  I got married on the same date as my mother's birthday.  It was always double celebration in our family for the past 10 years.  Always...

She was the reason that my husband and I were married with less hassle.  She stood rock behind my decision and supported me all the way.  We chose her birthday as our wedding day, to show her how much she meant to us. How her support and love united us as husband and wife. Unlike any other mothers, she sent me to the airport 2 weeks after my wedding with a big smile and encouragement.  Her cry was tears of joy. With her blessed, I left Malaysia to be with my husband in Perth.

She dragged my dad to be with me when I delivered my son 2 years later.  Together with my beloved father, she stayed and looked after me during my confinement. I knew, the visit to Perth that year turned around the general feelings of my families on my marriage.  The acceptance and the warmth welcome were felt when we returned to Malaysia the following year for vacation.  Things have been better even since. I also knew she was behind the positive changes.

Deep in my heart, I knew there were risks associated when one live abroad, far away from immediate families.  As in my case,  I live in the edge, always fear the unthinkable may happen.  If anything happen to my parents, I may not be able to see them, see their body for the last time before they disappear forever from my sight.   In Islam, the body must be buried soonest possible.

I returned home with my family to Malaysia in 2007.  I always prayed to Allah to give me the opportunity to serve them as a symbol of appreciation on their loves and sacrifices to me. I had the opportunities to look after my parents in 2009 when my mum met with a road accident.  I felt satisfied that I'd given my best as a daughter,  having the opportunity to serve her.  I washed her, showered her, cleaned her up, fed her.  During this period, I also witnessed the strong love and the the strong bond between my parents. Despite their constant jabbing towards each other, I realised their feelings deeper than love and respect to each other.  Any other man would have complained. But my dad was one of a kind.  You need to see to believe.  He devoted his time and life looking after my mum. I wish my husband will have half of his devotion....

She recovered from the injury from the accident, but never on her 100% best.

Mum did not have good health for the past years.  She was first diagnosed with diabetic in her late 30s, after giving birth to my youngest brother.  She had been following her medication regime properly ever since.

Her health was deteriorating and worsen this year.  Looking back, there were a lot of things that in my mum's wish list were fulfilled before she was taken forever from us.

When she was admitted in Jul 2011 to ICU, everybody thought her time had come.  I flew back, spent 11 days with her in hospital.  She recovered remarkably, and the doctor said her fighting spirit was high.  On the last day before I left, she said one thing.
I want to see your youngest brother to get marry, and I don't think I will live through Mar 2012.  I want them to expedite their wedding.

There and then we, as a family, decided to fulfill mum's wish.  We re-planned the wedding and brought it forward from March 2012 to Nov 19, 2011.  At the airport on 31 Jul 2011, I told my mum that if the wedding  proceeded as plan, I may not be able to attend it since there was no budget allocation to return home on short notice.

My second brother remembered a remark she made before Eid Adha this year (late Oct 2011), "I prayed that Allah give me the opportunity to see through your brother's wedding.  And I wish your sister can come back to be with us during the wedding".  

God is kind to her.  He opened the path to make her wish come true.  After deliberating on my decision to stay longer in Netherlands for almost 3 months, in early Nov 2011 I decided to decline the extension of my contract. With this decision, automatically I have one entitlement to return home on full coverage from my company.  Hence, within 2 weeks I gave my confirmation to my family that I will be home for the wedding.

According to my siblings, my mum was ecstatic.  She was so happy with the news.  One of her wish came through.

I reached my hometown on the wedding day, 19 Nov 2011.  When I reached home, I saw how drastically my mum's physical had changed.  She lost nearly 40kgs since I last saw her in Jul 2011.  She was always known as a woman with flesh, always plump, but early this year her weight increased was drastic.  Before she felt sick in Jul, she was at her highest weight of 112kgs. My heart skipped a bit when I saw her that day. She looked so skinny.  Never saw her in this condition before.  Somehow I knew, she won't be too long with us.

At the wedding, mum hardly able to participate in the ceremony.  She could barely walk and her constant headache and lack of appetite worsen her condition.

For the first time since I got married, I was able to spend 7 solid days with her and my dad during my vacation.  We talked, and talked and talked.  About everything and nothing.  The last few nights when I was in Malaysia, I slept with her on her bed.  A 40 years old daughter slept in the same bed with her mother.  My husband teased me mercilessly on it.  I never thought it was my last.  I kept telling myself, if I return I promise I will do this more frequent.  Honest to God, my recent vacation to Malaysia was the most fulfilled one.  To think again, how adamant I was to go back during this period.  Amidst the busy schedule and the many things we have to prepare before returning home, I insisted to make this trip.  I am glad I did it.  I am glad I made it.

Exactly one week ago, on 3rd Dec 2011,  I left my mum at the airport.  At first I told her not to bother to send me to the airport due to her weak condition.  She didn't want to hear otherwise.  On her wheelchair she came to bid me farewell at the airport.  I gave her my big hugs, told her to look after herself because I am coming back end of Jan 2012.

I called home yesterday, Saturday, 10 Dec 2011. I wanted to talk to her.  She was not home.  She went to Shah Alam with my siblings. They organised family gatherings at a Water Park.  I told myself I will call her tomorrow (Sunday, 11 Dec).
My sister said for the first time since months, she showed good appetite to eat. No one bother to remind her to control her food intake due to her diabetes.  Everybody was relieved to see she had her appetite to eat again.

So, this morning, I was thinking to call her, but postponing it.  There were too many things to do with the house.  Washing, cleaning, cooking.  My company's Blackberry was on charger upstairs. Normally I charged it downstair, but for a reason I don't understand, I left it charged and forgot to bring my phone downstairs.  Apparently, my father and my siblings had been trying to reach me since 9.30AM CET.  I only remembered about the phone while I was cooking - at about 12noon CET.  Before I went up stairs to pick it up, I checked my facebook and saw my sister inlaw urgent message - to call home immediately.  I immediately dialed using Skype. But the sound quality was bad, I could hardly hear anything.  So, I told my dad I will call him back, and rushed upstairs to pick up my phone.  I saw 19 missed calls, 10 SMS messages.  My family has been trying to reach me for the past 2.5 hours.  The bad news was delivered. I could barely stand.  I could barely breath.  I can't think any coherent way.  My world spun.  My husband was next to me all the time.  Hold me and calm me down.  I am on tears ever since.  I can't stop crying.

Ya Allah, what a huge test is this.

Apparently my mum went for a funeral this morning.  A family member of ours who has been hospitalised for the past few months just passed away. She went there with my dad and her older sister.  On the way back home after dropping off her sister, my dad said she complained of her terrible headache.  She vomited when they were near home.  She didn't eat anything since morning.  When they reached home at 2.30PM APAC (7.30AM CET), my dad made her a glass of Milo and asked her to lay down and have a rest.  At 4.00PM APAC (9.00AM CET), my sister returned home.  My dad asked her to wake my mum up to have her Zohor prayer.  She did not wake up.  Her body was still warm when the ambulance came.  She left us in peace.  She had such a serene smile on her face.  She met her Maker, she saw Him in heaven.  My mum was the most beautiful person you have even known.  She touched every person who has the privilege of passing her path warmthly.

Even though my worst nightmare is happening, I am not able to be there until the end, not able to give her last bath, not able to kiss her cheek, not able to kiss her forehead, not able to give her last hugs, not able to see her for the last time, I thanks Allah for giving me the opportunity to spent my time with her 2 weeks ago.  I thanks Allah for taking her in gentle way, that she did not suffer.  I thanks Allah for giving me such a wonderful mother, who mold me to be who I am today.  I pray to Allah that she will be with Him in Heaven.   I promise myself that I will give her Al-Fatihah every day, in every prayers.

I love you mum.  I miss you already.  I know only time will heal this wound.  I always love you, forever.

Al-Fatihah to Allahyarhamah Siti Esah binti Buyong.  Amin.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Your decision today create your path tomorrow

Have been quite a while since I last wrote. The absence not due to the lack of time, rather due to lack of idea. Looking back, it has been a roller coaster ride since Sept.

Major decision made in early Nov 2011. My family and I are returning to Malaysia at the end of Jan 2012. It was no way an easy decision. The strength of the pull to stay longer in Netherlands and going back to Malaysia were on equal par.

Career vs Personal.

Staying in Netherlands means better opportunity from career perspective. Being a woman in male dominated world does have it's own added advantage. Doors are opened with gentle knocking, without the need to shake the frame off. Being a woman in European circle increase the chances of moving up further the ladder. Amazing opportunities, they are everywhere, in abundance.

Being in this part of the world also mean we are too far away from our families.  Both of our parents are aging.  My mum's are not in her best state of health.  My father's in law is in the same league.  Both my husband and I have close knit families, and from our regular weekly calls back home - Australia and Malaysia respectively, we both knew the time has come for us to return. 

At the end of the day, priority was made. What came up the top was the clear winner, determining the path on decision making process. For my case, family come first. After taking consideration from all angles, we decided to go back to Malaysia.

I am aware what I've given up, but I am also very sure, I will not regret taking this decision. I am not willing living in regret in later life. 

I remembered having the same dilemma when I first decided to start working when my son was only 8 months old. 

I made the decision to work, hence it is only logical that I am not able to carry out my motherly duties perfectly.  That's my choice. No one point any weapon on my head when I made this decision.  So, I keep telling myself that it is OK to feel guilty, hence shows that I still have the maternal instinct (read: I try to coax myself). 

Eight years on, the guilt never cease, infact is keeps growing each day.  I keep comparing myself with the other mothers.  Specially every time I receive assessment report on my son.  He is not a performer in his class. Hell, no he is not.  He is not stupid either.  As a mother would have said about their kids, so I will say the same mantra. No, my son is not an idiot.  But he is not a superstar in his class either.  This is the moment when I ask myself, if I spend more time at home with him, will he improve?  Will he be a better student? Will I ever regret this decision of mine at a later stage of my life.  Sigh... I have no answer, but worry engulf me every seconds and every minutes, every day!

I do sometime wonder, if I were a man, would I make a different decision? Oh, I do sometime envy man. I would like to know if fathers feel the guilt when they are not able to attend Wednesday morning coffee and cake sales in school. Do they cringe from the questions popping from the small mouth like "why you cannot pick me up everyday from school like other father?".  Even my nice elderly neighbour once asked me innocently "how can you work full time when you still have a child at school age".  Hmm.. I don't know! I have no answer. Perhaps in Malaysia it is not an uncommon sight to have both parents working full time.  I know I am giving  a lame excuses.  But a good excuse nevertheless? How come no one ask that question to a man?

I feel inadequate because I am not able to post those super finger linking good dishes where most wonderful chef cum cook cum mothers always do in the Facebook.  I feel bad because the house is not super clean, spotless and laundry is not done to perfection! If a man in my shoes, will they feel small little tug of guilt looking at our unkept garden and backyard among the wonderful and beautiful garden of the neighbours in our street. Heck... I don't even understand why I do. 


Year 2012 is just around the corner.  I made a few resolutions.

We will begin our new year back home - in Malaysia.  I do look forward to this trip. Back to where families and friends are.  Back to where I could get support and backup when needed without hesitation.  Back to where everything is familiar.  Back to where normality is a norm, or perhaps boredom as part of that normality.  But decision has been made and it is definitely a correct one. I just know it! (Try to convince myself here).

Many said I throw way away opportunities and chances that may not come again in the next life.  Hey, when we first came here to Europe, we planned to visit all major cities in Europe within the 24 months.  We have beautiful plan laid out on paper. 22 months passed and gone, majority of the to-do-list remain unticked. The fact is, it was an extremely expensive plan.  So, not all can be executed.  Will we regret this decision to go back before releasing the dream?  Maybe.. but I will not smack any heads because of it.  We will acknowledge it, and move on. 

We will miss many friends we made while we are here.  Wonderful colleagues who also turn out to be great friends.  We will miss all of you.  But one positive thing is that, when you come by down under, you know you have a friend house you can rock in.  We will be there for you, happy to have our great friends as visitors.


Back to Malaysia, we will face many more decisions that will determine our future plan.  Some have already been drafted, some may need to be lay out on the table so picture can be scatched, color can be added, and final result can be presented.  That will come, but for now we take it one step at a time.

1 month and 3 weeks.  The count down has begun.  The house doesn't look like a liveable one!  Boxes and boxes - they are everywhere.  Christmas will be a white one.  Decision we made earlier on to stay in Netherlands so we can experience the White Christmas.  An experience we may never live through again in our future life.  We knew it will be a quiet Christmas -  because the essential ingredients are missing:  Families and Friends.  But we will go through it.  Tomorrow the Christmas tree will be pulled out from the garage.  First step of creating the celebration atmostphere. We will have Christmas amidst the boxes inside the house, and hoping to have white snow outside.

Decisions were made, now to live with it, and living through it.